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One

Everyone was going to die.

Anaya stared up at the white ceiling.  It was morning, but she hadn’t slept. She dreaded this day.

Her last day of school.

Ever.

“Anaya?” Mom called from the other side of her closed-door.

“I’m awake.” She mumbled.

“Okay, sweetie.” Mom replied.

Anaya sat up and glanced over at the lone window. Light glowed around the pale blue curtains.

The world as she knew it was going to go dark in a few days.  For good.

How could this be happening?

She slid out of the bed and shuffled to her dresser and grabbed a pair of jeans and a deep blue sweater.  After pulling them on, she stood in front of the vanity and stared at her own reflection.

There were dark circles under her blue eyes.

She was only fifteen-years old and she was going to die in a few days.  She’ll never get her driver’s permit now.  Heck, she’s going to die before ever experiencing her first kiss!

“It’s not fair.” She whispered as she took a soft-bristled brush and ran it through her long, honey brown hair.

There were so many things she wanted to do with her life.  Going to college was one of them.  She wanted to earn a degree in Marine Biology so she could study the ocean and its inhabitants.

She wanted to become a scientist like Dad.

A dream that will never be realized.

She set the brush down, and as she pulled her hair back with a black band, she studied the motion lamp stand nearby.  Its dark, blue liquid held shadowy silhouettes of dolphins.  With a finger, she touched its silvery base, and sighed deeply.

“Anaya?” It was Mom, again.

“I’m coming.” She answered as she grabbed her jacket and walked out of her bedroom.

The spacious kitchen was unusually quiet as Anaya entered and sat at the oval table.  A bowl of hot oatmeal and a plate of buttery toasts were waiting for her.

Her stomach rolled at the smell.  She pushed them away.

Mom placed a glass of orange juice down in front of her.

“Not hungry?”

Anaya shook her head.

“It’s okay.” Mom picked up her untouched food. “You don’t have to eat these.”

“I hungry!” The two-year old boy yelled out in the high chair next to his sister.

“Eli, you’re always hungry.” Dad spoke up from behind the newspaper he’d been reading at the opposite end of the table.

The small television, now silenced, sat on the counter next to Mom as she mixed up rice cereal in a small blue bowl.  It was always on during breakfast time as Dad was big on getting the latest local news and traffic.

But, not today.

Everything has changed.

Anaya didn’t like it one bit.

Copyright © 2012 Carrie Ann Golden

All rights reserved.

To Chapter Two

 

 

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  1. March 20, 2012 at 10:53 am

    OK. So I have found the start. 🙂

  2. jascribbles
    January 2, 2013 at 4:36 pm

    I like it – nice grab… do the parents know the world is ending? Perhaps I’ll find out in chapter two.

    Jenna

  3. January 12, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    A good start. The first line grabs the reader.

    Excellent use of dialogue but you tend to be a bit heavy with the tags. For example: “Okay, sweetie.” Mom replied. (We know who is speaking – ‘Mom replied’ is not required.) Also, if you were to use the original line, the period after ‘sweetie’ should be replaced by a comma.

    I can picture exactly what is happening. This is good but there might be a bit of an overuse of adverbs/adjectives. The secret is to include enough so that the reader has a good idea of what is going on but not so much that their imagination is cramped.

    For example: “It’s not fair.” She whispered as she took a soft-bristled brush and ran it through her long, honey brown hair. (You might consider dropping either ‘soft-bristled’ or ‘long, honey brown’.) (Also the period after ‘fair’ should be replaced by a comma and ‘She’ should not be capitalized.)

    Your last line (Anaya didn’t like it one bit.) is strong but I think it could be stronger.

    I went ahead to the second chapter. I realize that you need the girl to go to school to advance the story. In my opinion, though, the end of the would would be spent with family and loved ones. Quite likely you justify this later in the story. At this point, however, the girl and her fellow students being sent to school appears unlikely. In chapter two you need to work hard to make this a natural course of action.

    Strengths: Strong opening line and excellent use of dialogue. You build interest and suspense by holding back on the nature of the end of the world. You give a good description of the emotional state of the main character.

    Weaknesses: Overuse of tags and adjectives. Minor punctuation errors. A little ‘suspension of disbelief’ in the second chapter.

    Overall, good work.

  4. January 12, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Thank you, Walter 🙂

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